Issues...I got 'em

I am a social misfit. There are simply no two ways about it. I always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, don't know how to be assertive, take a back seat to everyone's needs or wants. I get in groups and freeze. I withdraw. I'm scared and I just don't fit in. Period. And I'm lonely. I want to be good friends with people; great friends, but I just can't seem to let the walls come down. Through the course of the last 35 and a half years, every person I've ever let behind the walls has broken, no, obliterated my heart. Stomped on it like the love and loyalty I have to offer has no worth. Like I am only good enough if there aren't better things to do, and there are always better things to do. I have dealt with more heartache brought on by people I thought were my truest friends in the last three years and I just can't seem to recover. Forgive, forget, all that crap we've heard our entire lives. Walk away, let it go. It's all bologna, and my heart refuses to listen to my head. Regardless, I keep pushing myself to try and be more social, but it's no use. I just feel weird and really uncomfortable. There is no place in this world that I truly feel okay in my skin except home, work, and with my books. I like to think I'm eccentric, but the truth is, I'm simply a social retard with nothing to offer except a bunch of hooey I know from books.

I think that sometimes, when our hearts have been so completely damaged, there's just no going back. You move forward, do the best you can, but you are forever changed. Changed in ways that, no matter how hard you try or how badly you want something different, it just is what it is and you can't fix it. Those walls live on and they are more than fortified. They are now impenetrable from every side. And rather than run the risk of being chewed up and spit out again, measured and found wanting, you pull back. Keep everyone at arms length and always wonder what it would be like if you had a close friend. A best friend. What if people really cared about you? You'll never know, because you simply can't run the risk of letting them past the moat, let alone over the drawbridge to the inner sanctum. It is sad really, to know that you will never again fully trust someone with your entire self, knowing that even when you relax just enough to almost have fun, you will never let anyone know your full self. Knowing that if they did, if they really knew who you are, it would be the same outcome as always. So much trash to be kicked aside.

So while everyone is over at the park, I will crawl back into my books where it is safe. I will grow my mind and love the people I meet in text.